Why Your Teen isn’t Listening to You

If you’re a parent of a teenager, it’s likely you often feel that everything you say goes through one ear and out the other. You think, “What happened to my baby who used to actually listen to and enjoy being around me?” Adolescence can be a very challenging time for both the teen and the parents. Miscommunication pops up often as teens learn how to flex their advancing brain development, which leads to more intense need for independence and autonomy. With that comes more resistance to listening and heeding to the wisdom of their parents, which probably comes as bad news to you. However, there is good news – this behavior is completely normal (even a sign of healthy development) AND there is something you can do about it.

During adolescent brain development, teens begin to develop more of their own thoughts, ideas, and values. While this can feel like uncharted territory to a parent and potentially even threatening (wasn’t it easier when they just believed everything you said?), this type of growth is a sign that development is on track and they are on their way to becoming an independent adult someday. But on top of that, it is common that teens fail to see the point in hearing what their parents have to say, simply because they do not feel listened to either. Suddenly they want to be their own person, and they may not feel like their parent understands them and what they are going through. Giving your teen your listening ear and showing genuine curiosity about what they think and feel is a game-changing way to bolster your relationship with them, and you may find that as a bonus, they listen to you more often as well.

So, what needs to happen to show our teen we are truly listening? Here’s a list of ways we can improve our listening skills and show our teen we care about what they have to say.

·       Remove distractions. In this day and age, most of us are frequently focused on our devices, even when we could benefit from truly being where our feet are. Put your phone away, take a break from what ever task you are doing, and make sure you can fully hear what is being said.

·       Use verbal and nonverbal cues. When possible, turn your body towards your child, make appropriate eye contact, and use both nodding and short phrases to communicate you are listening (i.e. “mmhmm,” “that makes sense”).

·       Be curious. To quote the beloved Coach Ted Lasso, “Be curious, not judgmental.” It can be incredibly difficult to not pass judgment on the things our kids say, especially if we find ourselves disagreeing, but focusing on curiosity about their experience over thinking about our own reactions is critical. Teens very easily can tell the difference between the two!

·       As open-ended questions. Close-ended questions (ones that come with a “yes” or “no” answer) certainly have their place, but when we really want to understand someone, it’s important to ask questions that invite them to give details and further elaborate on their experience. You can try questions such as “What do you like/dislike about…?” or “Can you tell me more about…?”

·       Use reflections to check for understanding. Throughout our listening experience, it’s important to reflect back to and summarize what we are hearing back to the speaker. This gives an opportunity to make sure we are understanding correctly. More often than not, teens have no problem correcting us if we don’t have it quite right, so try not to worry about your reflections being perfect. Your job is to understand them, not be “right” all the time (phew!)

·       Refrain from jumping in with solutions. Sometimes our teens will come to us for advice, but in my years of experience as an adolescent and family therapist, most of the time they just want us to listen. I know how hard it is as a parent not to jump in with solutions and “fix-it” mode – after all, we don’t ever want to watch our child suffer. Before offering any advice or feedback, first ask your teen if that’s something they want. If they don’t, try not to take this personally and continue to be curious and empathetic. This is a HUGE trust builder!

Try out these techniques with your teen and see what changes in your relationship. There will be times throughout your child’s adolescence where you may feel ignored or snubbed by them, and it may be difficult to feel that you should be listening to them. Remember that this stage is normal and seldom personal. You are a good parent – tune into them, keep an open mind, and remember that modeling what good listening looks like is only going to help them embody the same skill.

If you are looking for more resources in this area or are still finding it difficult to communicate with your teen, I would love to help! Contact me.