“Gentle Parenting” Not Working for You? This Might be Why
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – parenting is a tough gig. We all need a little help sometimes. But these days, thanks to the age of smart phones, we hardly need parenting books when we have access thousands of parenting “experts” at the tips of our fingers at any given time. If you’ve spent any time at all consulting these “experts” on the internet, whether through social media, podcasts, or some other means, you’ve probably heard of a newly popular approach to caregiving mostly commonly referred to as gentle parenting. You may have even already formed an opinion (possibly a strong one) about this approach.
Generally, gentle parenting is defined as avoiding punishment, validating a child’s feelings and experiences, and guiding children as opposed to being authoritarian or punitive. On paper, those things don’t sound too bad, right? The issue I hear most people taking with gentle parenting usually boils down to one of two things: One, that gentle parenting is too permissive and allows a child to run the show; or two, something along the lines of “my parents didn’t do this and I turned out fine.” Well, I may not be able to say much for the second one without knowing if you really turned out fine, but for the former, I see where you’re coming from. As someone who works in the parent-child relationship field in a hands-on way, sometimes I think our well-intended internet parenting “experts” might be forgetting is the crucial role of firmness and setting expectations and boundaries.
Think about the speed limits we are expected to abide by as drivers. Do you always like them? Probably not. They can be annoying, and we may not agree with what they are (especially if you end up with a speeding ticket). But would you prefer that speed limits be done away with all together? Likely no. Most of us can see that although speed limits can be irritating, they are there to keep us safe and allow us to drive with more surety that we can get to our destination safely. Parenting is the same way. Kids may not like our boundaries and limits we set for them, but ultimately, they feel safe because they exist! The feeling of being completely in charge is overwhelming for a child (as much as they might not show it). Being a sturdy leader is crucial to them feeling truly safe. When we embrace taking the lead and truly being the parent, our children have the confidence to explore and simply be kids.
So what does this have to do with gentle parenting? First of all, I’m not a big fan of the name itself, because it negates the importance of firmness in our parenting approach. Remember — we need speed limits! We should not say yes to everything and let our child do whatever they want. If you like facets of gentle parenting, let’s make sure we remember that our firm boundaries must go hand in hand with those principles to be effective parents. What this looks like is validating a child’s feelings, but correcting and setting boundaries around behaviors that are not acceptable according to your family’s rules (e.g. “It’s okay to feel mad, but it is not okay to hit. If you hit again, xyz consequence will happen.” And then actually following through.)
If you’re feeling like gentle parenting is just too, well, gentle, consider how using the principles of being respectful, empathetic, and understanding can benefit your child while you still work to maintain structure and boundaries. It never hurts to validate feelings and work on guiding our children in a way that gets down on their level. In fact, the research clearly shows how useful these things can be for our relationship with our kids as they grow older. There can be useful parts of gentle parenting to try out while still maintaining what’s important about your use of structure and limit setting.
If you feel like gentle parenting just isn’t for you but you’re not sure what to do, I can help! There are many respectful and effective ways to parent and we can tailor an approach that feels right for you. Contact me at therapywithhailey@gmail.com.
