Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

In my years of practice working with families, I get this question often: “Should we stay together for the kids?” I find that underneath this question, there are so many more, such as “Will we irrevocably damage our kids by splitting up? Do I have to remain miserable in this relationship to keep my kids happy and thriving? What’s going to happen to our family if we make this choice?” There are hosts of questions, concerns, and worries we have about our kids when we make big life decisions, and rightfully so! If you’re asking yourself any of these questions, know that you’re already doing right by them for thinking of their well-being and trying to do what’s best for them. But where do we get the answers from? I personally love some cold, hard facts, so let’s take a look at what the current data and research has to say.

Let’s get one thing clear: All children are different. If you have multiple of your own, you can probably testify to this. Even siblings can handle the exact same situations totally differently! When it comes to how divorce affects kids, this applies as well. Age, stage of development, other stressors they face, and temperament all play a role in how a child will react to their parent’s divorce, as well as what protective factors they have in place (more on that in a minute). A wide array of research from the past few decades show that divorce can have mental, emotional, and even physical effects on children, sometimes even into their adulthood. However, as the research has become more and more refined, one thing becomes clearer and clearer: It’s not the choice to divorce that affects kids, but the way the divorce happens and the nature of the post-divorce relationship that affects kids.

Here's the great news for you: Divorce does not inherently ruin kids psychologically. In fact, it can even have a positive effect on them!  In high conflict marriages where children are exposed to arguing and tension that goes unresolved, experts say that both parents and children are better off after divorce than they would have been had the parents stayed together. There is much opportunity for children to grow and thrive in an environment with less parental conflict and happier, psychologically healthier parents.  

So how do you minimize the negative impacts of divorce on your kids? Focus on the protective factors. That is, 1) set the stage for a healthy, productive, and cooperative co-parenting relationship as much as possible, 2) try to keep the structure and routine in a child’s life as stable as possible, 3) nurture a strong, safe bond with your kids, and 4) promote healthy coping skills.

1)    Set the stage for a healthy, productive, and cooperative co-parenting relationship as much as possible. Shield your kids from conflict between the two of you and never, ever put your children in the middle. Even if you absolutely loathe your co-parent, you will have to find a groove in co-parenting together in order to help your kids get through this difficult transition. The research on how much this impacts kids is overwhelming and can’t be overstated, even though I know how insanely difficult it can be. Therapy and/or mediation can be a great step to help you with this. As good as it may feel to be honest about your feelings about your co-parent with your kids, it will not have a positive impact on them to hear negative things about their parent. l have a few simple tips in another blog post on how to work on what words/phrases to use to while talking to your kids and co-parent, linked here.

2)    Try to keep the structure and routine in a child’s life as stable as possible. Predictability and routine is what helps children thrive – especially when they have to go through such a big shift in family dynamics. As much as is reasonable, try to get on the same page with your co-parent about basic rules and boundaries, allow children to have separate sets of things at each of their parents’ homes to minimize packing, and keep kids in activities they were already involved in before the divorce.

3)    Nurture a strong, safe bond with your kids. It may be difficult to talk about the divorce with your kids without being tempted to slander your co-parent, but try to allow children a safe space to process their feelings if and when they are willing to open up to you. If they aren’t able to talk about it, simply be curious about your child’s life, ask questions, and engage in activities they enjoy with them. In the stress of a divorce, it can be difficult to remember how much our kids need us to simply be present with them and show them that we care. Validate their feelings as often as you can.

4)    Promote healthy coping skills. Often, therapy is an excellent option for kids who are undergoing a divorce transition so that they have someone neutral to talk to outside of the family. Encourage them to engage in sports/activities, social engagements, and extracurriculars. Most importantly, provide them an example of positive emotional regulation by modeling it for them and taking care of yourself.

If you’re still wondering, “should we stay together for the kids?” I would invite you to start forming new questions, such as “how can my spouse and I create a healthy co-parenting relationship to minimize the difficulty divorce will impose on my kids?” It’s impossible to entirely shield children from stress and struggles, but there is a lot we can do to cushion the blows. And if you are asking yourself the original question, it’s probably time to consider what effect your struggling relationship might already have on them, and how positive things could be on the other side of divorce. Don’t just take my word for it – the research is on your side, and strongly proves that the post-divorce relationship is the most critical part of helping kids through their parents’ separation.

If you need help navigating your family’s divorce or the impact it has on your kids, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me through my contact form.