How Can I Help my Child Feel Better about Themselves?
The further I get into my own parenting journey, the more I realize that parenting cliches are cliches for a reason – they are almost comedically accurate. One I think about often is that you don’t understand the love you can have for a child until you have your own. We all know what it’s like to love them so much that the thought of them having any type of suffering in their life feels painful to even imagine. So as your child gets older and you begin to witness their shame and being hard on themselves, it can be heartbreaking. I know you want to swoop in and say, “Don’t you know how special you are?? Don’t talk about yourself that way! You’re perfect!” And while it may not hurt for them to hear that, there are even better, more practical ways nurture our child’s sense of self-worth.
Briefly, let’s go over why our child’s sense of self-worth is so important. Much research has been done over the last twenty years about self-esteem and self-worth, and while the dialogue around it seems to shift every few years, we know that self-worth is an essential component of emotional well-being. A positive sense of self allows a child to make better decisions, see themselves as capable, create healthy relationships with others, and increases creativity (1). Children begin creating their self-image very early on and look to their parents to build it. So what can we do to help them see how wonderful they are?
1. Use effective praise. Some use of praise in parenting has come under fire considering relatively recent research that shows that praise can be ineffective or even harmful in some cases (1a). The idea isn’t to throw out praise all together though, but to use it more effectively. Focus on praising your child’s efforts over their innate abilities (“you worked so hard on that!” versus “you are so smart.”). Tell your child as often as possible that you are proud of them, you love them, and that you genuinely enjoy being with them.
2. Model positive self-talk. We ALL struggle with our own self-image from time to time. That’s okay, but it’s important that we model and show our children what it looks like to have a healthy sense of self and love for who we are. Avoid saying negative things about yourself, whether about what’s on the inside or outside. Instead, make positive comments about yourself, pointing out times you are proud of what you did, how you look in a picture, or when you overcome a challenge. How we talk about ourselves becomes our child’s inner dialogue.
3. Give them opportunities to fail. Research has shown that children who are not given the opportunities to try difficult things, and subsequently fail at times, are more likely to develop anxiety and have adverse reactions when they don’t succeed at something right away (2). Offer appropriate encouragement and support when they are learning something new but be careful not to overstep. A way to tell if you might be overstepping is to monitor how you react when they start to get frustrated and upset. If your instinct is to jump in right at that point, take a deep breath and regulate your own emotions first. Distress tolerance is an important skill for kids to learn, and they won’t get there if we try to solve their problems for them. You can instead validate their frustrations, praise their effort, and encourage them to keep trying. As they overcome challenges, their sense of self-worth grows steadily.
4. Don’t demand perfection. It’s a healthy thing to have expectations for our children, but it’s another thing if we constantly expect them to meet our expectations perfectly (as well as any other expectations from school, sports, etc.). Give them the same grace you want others to give you when you fall short. Research shows that children whose parents show acceptance for who they are, imperfectly and all, feel much more comfortable and safe trying new things and taking appropriate risks (3).
5. Help your child understand the difference between guilt and shame. Separating the feeling of doing something wrong, guilt, from the feeling that we are inherently bad because of what we did wrong, shame, is a very helpful tool for children and adults alike. When your child messes up, help them understand that guilt can be okay when it is productive and helps us do better next time, but shame is an unhelpful and miserable state. Reassure your child that they are good and worthy, no matter what.
6. Encourage your child’s interests and abilities. Even if you don’t share the same interests with your child, it’s always the right thing to be curious and seek to learn more about it from them. When they see you take an interest in what they care about, it creates a sense of safety and security that cannot be replicated any other way.
7. Always look for ways to improve your relationship with them. Whether it’s spending more time with them, building trust by keeping your commitments and promises to them, taking an interest in their lives (see #6), and be a consistent, sturdy parent. Sometimes we don’t see how all the little things we do build our child’s self-esteem, but the truth is that it ALL matters! Our child’s sense of themselves stems directly from how we interact and respond to them (4).
This list is by no means exhaustive, but the point is that there really are many ways we can help our kids feel good about themselves. The earlier we become intentional about these things, the better, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start at any time. If you’re needing any additional guidance, therapy and/or parent coaching can be a great resource. Contact me at therapywithhailey@gmail.com.
